JJ HARDY
ACTOR | LIFE COACH
DEALING WITH GRIEF
PAIN IS SOMETHING WE ALL DEAL WITH
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” Vicki Harrison
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It may seem unusual for a person visiting this site to see that there is a conversation about grieving. However, the Indiana Jones fans actually inspired this discussion. At the zoom autograph signing session last year, the conversation soon turned from aspects of Indiana Jones and my movie career, to issues affecting all of us throughout all of our lives, especially grief. The resulting conversations emerged as not only an autograph signing, but a truly engaging conversation. So many of you shared your personal stories about the loss of a loved one. Certainly, for myself, I didn’t expect to talk about grieving at an autograph signing, but that’s how life works.
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I feel the conversation on grief needs to continue on my official site. Hopefully, you will find encouragement in this conversation and continue to share your stories. If you are grieving over the loss of someone in your life, the hope here is that you will soon find comfort in talking about it and sharing your feelings and thoughts. That will give you hope and comfort to be able to help others.
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The loss of loved ones in my own life and the grief that followed definitely shaped the person that I became and that I am today. At age 16, I was confronted with a deep sadness like nothing before. Carma, my business manager and best friend suddenly passed away from stage IV breast cancer. Extremely depressed, very saddened, and desperately lonely, I wanted nothing to do with show business in her absence. It was the first time in my life that I faced such a tragedy and the grief was absolutely overwhelming.
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Then two years later my acting professor, mentor and dear friend Wynn Pearce passed away. Wynn was a true Hollywood actor from the 1940’s through the 70’s who worked alongside some of the most famous actors in Hollywood and on Broadway. Wynn had a tremendous love of teaching and directing, and he invested countless hours of love and energy in helping me be the best actor I could be. I surely wasn’t ready for his unexpected final curtain call.
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Three years later, I was again faced with sudden loss after the passing of my friend and co-star River Phoenix. A number of sudden losses regarding dear friends and family members mounted over the years, including my dad a few years ago. Grief seemed to continually be at my doorstep.
“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you’ll learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler
I know some of you have lost loved ones unexpectedly, and even tragically. The impact is so powerful you have yet to come out of that fog. That was me! The deep numbness can take years to fade. Mounting anger, persistent resentment, extreme bitterness, and unrelenting unforgiveness can also arise from the death of a loved one. Heightened stress and deep anxiety mixed with grief also affects so many aspects of your life. My eating habits grew out of control. I overindulged and went on eating binges to mask the pain of grief. There were also nightmares, lack of sleep/insomnia that seemed overwhelming at times. Exercise was difficult for me; even taking a walk loomed difficult at times.
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“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly- that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” Anne Lamott
As I’ve gone through these experiences, the learning curve showed me that we as humans all need to eat, sleep, move our bodies and ultimately MUST NOT ALLOW our grief to paralyze us. As I began to open up about my grief, these difficulties started to diminish. I soon learned what forgiveness was, and that forgiveness was not really about others but it was for myself. I needed forgiveness in my life in order to be happy again.
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Acceptance and realization are the acknowledgments of loss and this can take some time to fully settle in your life. With my losses, I had to learn to face my own fear among other things. Facing a world without your loved ones is itself fear inducing. Dread and anxiety crept into my every thought, every experience, and every action. I felt like I was in the middle of sea of heartache and sorrow.
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“Everyone grieves in different ways. For some, it could take longer or shorter. I do know it never disappears. An ember still smolders inside me. Most days, I don’t notice it, but, out of the blue, it’ll flare to life.” Maria V. Snyder
Hopefully, my experiences and the stories of others will encourage you to face your fears so you can live the life you want and DESERVE. When I lost my father, my life was a knotted mess. Having been so close to my dad, there was an inability to know how to function completely without him in my life. My dad helped me with so many decisions that I felt totally empty without him. It took some time, but soon some confidence began building and I started to trust my own decisions and learn about life in a world without my mentor being present.
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Grief can truly only be understood by those who have been touched by it. From all the anguish I have experienced in my life, it is my obligation now to do what I can to help others who are desolate. Sharing my experiences is incredibly healing for me. My hope is that, as each and every one of you open up in conversation, you will also begin healing in your own lives. My plan for the future is that this website can grow so people can share their stories.
PAIN AND LOSS
Grief and loss can be incredibly challenging and overwhelming, disrupting every aspect of our lives. It can evoke deep sorrow, emptiness, and a range of complex emotions. The pain may feel insurmountable at times, but acknowledging and processing our grief is an essential step towards healing. It is a universal human experience that requires patience, self-compassion, and the support of others who understand. Through understanding, acceptance, and gradual restoration, we can find strength and resilience to navigate the journey of grief and honor the memories of those we have lost.
